more relationship

Didn't our hearts burn within us, as he explained the scriptures to us on the road?

Summer Reading: Anna Karenina Part 1

***Spoiler Alert. I highly recommend this book, so don't read this post if you think you might try Tolstoy:)

Just the other night a hometown football game/My wife and I ran into my old high school flame...

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers...

How many times have you heard a friend say about an old boyfriend/girlfriend, "I'm so glad I got out of that, because now I see what [that person] really was."

Did you ever wonder whether the changed perspective was really based on truth, or was it based on self-preservation?

The idea of (1) mental self-preservation techniques, and (2) limited and/or shifting perspectives due to pride, lust, love, or any other human basic need continually crops up to me as I read Anna Karenina.

First, a newfound religious zeal becomes the salve, or maybe even the lifeboat, to Alexey Alexandrovitch's injured pride.

Alexey Alexandrovitch did not merely fail to observe his hopeless position in the official world, he was not merely free from anxiety on this head, he was positively more satisfied than ever with his own activity.

"He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: but he that is married careth for the things of the world, how he may please his wife," says the Apostle Paul, and Alexey Alexandrovitch who was now guided in every action by Scripture, often recalled this text. It seemed to him that ever since he had been left without a wife, he had in these very projects of reform been serving the Lord more zealously than before.

And then a small scene in the middle of the book, that so far seems to me to be superfluous to the main plot, shows on a very small scale the violent changes that can happen to our mood, perspective, and candor with new acquaintances. Violent changes that can happen, and yet, like a sort of pin-wheel, still allow our pride to remain intact.

Vronsky and Anna, but especially Vronsky, are mentally thrashing about trying to find meaning in their newly isolated, carefree lives. Vronsky has taken up painting, and hears about another Russian painter in the Italian town where Vronsky and Anna are vacationing. Vronsky feels that it is his duty to support this painter, Mihailov; and Tolstoy gives us a peek into this obscure character's brain:

For the few seconds during which the visitors were gazing at the picture in silence Mihailov too gazed at it with the indifferent eye of an outsider. For those few seconds he was sure in anticipation that a higher, juster criticism would be uttered by them, by those very visitors whom he had been so despising a moment before. He forgot all he had thought about his picture before during the three years he had been painting it; he forgot all its qualities which had been absolutely certain to him - he saw the picture with their indifferent, new, outside eyes, and saw nothing good in it.

Like I said, violent shifts in perspective. Sometimes we encounter another creature of our own kind, another being created in God's image, and those people become the world to us. But thankfully for this guy, his pride comes back. Golenishtchev, Vronsky's friend, breaks the silence after everyone has been uncomfortably looking at Mihailov's most important painting and says a random, positive comment.

All Mihailov's mobile face beamed at once; his eyes sparkled. He tried to say something, but he could not speak for excitement, and pretended to be coughing. Low as was his opinion of Golenishtchev's capacity for understanding art, trifling as was the true remark upon the fidelity of the expression of Pilate as an official, and offensive as might have seemed the utterance of so unimportant an observation while nothing was said of more serious points, Mihailov was in an ecstasy of delight at this observation. He had himself thought about Pilate's figure just what Golenshitchev said. The fact that this reflection was but one of millions of reflections, which as Mihailov knew for certain would be true, did not diminish for him the significance of Golenishtchev's remark. (emphasis mine)

And there, in micro, I believe is what Tolstoy conveys in many other major characters and plots, that we will use any tool available to justify our decisions, or our circumstances, or just ourselves.

I guess God has given us these instincts to protect us. I guess. I think we are all thankful that love is blind. I consider Levin and Kitty (although I haven't finished the book and can't be sure that they are an appropriately happy blog post ending.)

Example 1. In the beginning of the book Levin comes to Moscow and finds Kitty at the skating rink. To him it seems that wherever she skates or wherever she finds to sit down and rest, the entire crowd is focused and aware of her. And she brings light and gladness to it all.

Example 2. Levin, once feeling that he has been denied any opportunity of marrying Kitty, finds peace in his life calling of farming; (self-preservation) only to have the peace shattered by one split second glimpse of Kitty. (violent changes)

Example 3. And Levin, after being married, and experiencing the exponentially more shifting perspectives of being one flesh with another human being, is able to think outside of himself.

In attending the elections, too, and taking part in them, he tried now not to judge, not to fall foul of them, but to comprehend as fully as he could the question which was so earnestly and ardently absorbing honest and excellent men whom he respected. Since his marriage there had been revealed to Levin so many new and serious aspects of life that had previously, through his frivolous attitude to them, seemed of no importance, that in the question of the elections too he assumed and tried to find some serious significance. (emphasis mine)

Oh Tolstoy, what does this all mean for me, and for epistemology? Will I someday marry a redhead, because he showed me attention, and say that all along I really DID find redheads attractive? Will I look at a Catholic friend's from-childhood guilt, only to quickly place it into an apologetic-for-Protestantism's grid?

I'm not sure, but I think Anna has thus far been exempt from any of this self-convincing thought monologue from Tolstoy's pen. And we all know what happens to her. Any thoughts?

the relationship

Verses I'm meditating on this week:

The next day John was standing with two of his disciples, and he looked at Jesus as he walked by and said, "Behold, the Lamb of God!" The two disciples heard him say this, and they followed Jesus. Jesus turned and saw them following, and said to them "What are you seeking?". And they said to him "Rabbi" (which means teacher) "where are you staying?" He said to them, "Come, and you will see."

John 1

I just heard a sermon on this passage; and the pastor constructed a paraphrase similar to this:

Jesus saw that two guys were following him and he said "what do you want?" They didn't know what to say... so they just said (and we've all had neighbor kids like this) "uhhhh... can we come over?" Jesus said: "sure, come over."

Christianity offers us a relationship.

And then a memorable moment in one of Jesus' earthly relationships:

After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve: Do you want to go away as well? Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life,"

Christianity offers us a relationship plus eternal life. Pretty hard to pass up...

accepting myself... probably due to some amazing professors i had this summer

I have hereby accepted myself. I don't feel bad that I don't have the desire or time to listen to independent music, and that I never discover music on my own. I am content with my historical studies in classical music, classic rock, and some pop; and I think I'm pretty darn cool for what I do know. The end.

Incidentally, any music recommendations?

my new favorite song and why I am like a puppy dog

So, a couple of my classmates were talking about their Myers-Briggs profiles this summer, and I took a test. Apparently I am slightly extroverted (which explains a lot and gives me an excuse for my excessive talking and facebook-status-updating); but several of my friends were introverted. In this article: 'Caring for Your Introvert', a rather non-flattering view was given of extroverts:

Extroverts are easy to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluable, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs....

(Extroverts don't understand introverts as well as introverts understand extroverts, because introverts keep it to themselves.)

Ok so sometimes I actually do feel like a puppy dog. Again, it is not flattering to think of myself as tirelessly yapping on and on while my introverted friends listen. But the lack of mystery is only one of my shared puppy dog characteristics.

I am like a puppy dog because I feel like everybody should like me. I remember being in college, and meeting a girl in my speech class that had so much in common with me, but who shut herself off to me. And I didn't know why. Was it how I dressed, or how I acted? I don't know.

I also feel like everybody will like me in the future. Do you have a disagreement with me? Well, if we talk it over extensively, we will agree in the end. Or we will become friends again after I ask forgiveness for something.

But I have to learn that I can't come up to just anyone and 'wag my tail' and be 'man/woman's best friend.' There are some people that I won't understand why they are closed to me, or I will understand and I will be sad, because it is sin that I or they won't get rid of.

All this to say, that maybe in this life I won't be able to connect in the way I want to with all the Christians that I love and minister to. And Rich Mullins has a song about that.

Though we're strangers still I love you,

I love you more than the mask...

And Rich goes on to talk about the 'mystic sweet communion' held by believers.

I love Christians.

Disclaimer for this blog: I do listen to other music besides Rich. I just have bad luck w/ Indie music, popular music is all about love and sex and stuff which I have nothing intelligent to say about, and Christian music, well, ok. I gave Christian radio a chance this summer and it was pretty edifying to hear praise to God on my commute. But the only lyric I remember is "I'm not cool but that's ok, my God loves me anyway." As much as that speaks to me personally...

Oh, and "God bless the broken road..." in which I cried one day; but it must have been for an unrelated reason because I'm single and my "broken road" hasn't led me straight to "you" yet.

Back to Rich. Here is my new favorite song.

Leaving the Twin Cities

I'm going to get out some random journaling here, and maybe then I will be able to focus on my assignments.

Here are just a few recent summer discoveries sans music, grad school, or spiritual journey.

I love the treadmill.

I might, just might, have a flair for decorating. My friend Caroline took me to IKEA with her to pick out curtains, and I was just going along for the ride. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I was asking her a million questions about her living room and creating different color schemes and talking about accent colors showing up in pottery. It was an experience that I will never forget. So far Caroline likes what we picked out but we will see.

Parks are cool. The twin cities have a lot of them, and I am sad to leave soon without having visited more of them.

Lakes are cool. The twin cities have a lot of them... etc. Last night some friends of my cousin took me sightseeing. Apparently there are four lakes in the actual city of Minneapolis. One of them had sailboats on it; the scene was beautiful. And there are biking and walking/jogging trails all around. This discovery on top of the fact that I've already had an incredibly beautiful experience visiting Lake Superior and sitting on a dock stargazing at Caroline's uncle's lake.

I love the treadmill. Somewhat contradictory to the 'parks are cool' statement, but that's why I'm kinda sad to leave. I want more chance to explore now that I'm a little more in shape thanks in part to, yes, the treadmill.

I am an ENFP. Never took the Myers-Briggs until my classmates were talking about it last week. The E is my excuse for even writing this dumb blog post.

I love my family. This is not really a discovery but it is the one good side to leaving the twin cities. I'm going on a mini vacation with my brothers, sisters-in-laws, and hopefully mom and sisters next week.

The 'Kardashians' are NOT cool. This is the one down side to the treadmill at my gym: E Entertainment. Why do we program celebrities acting hopelessly immature, and expect people to live nicely together? However:

I love the treadmill. The end.